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I took a solo trip this weekend. The first planned one in my life. 

Intent was to be around things that I wanted to do but couldn’t find the opportunity to. And to gather my thoughts around them. 

I watched TED videos, saw Ship of Theseus again, read a whole bunch, wrote even more. 

And in one such conversation with myself, I started speaking out what is it that I truly want to achieve in life. Why do I get up every morning. What drives me. 

And as I thought about it and spoke about it, I realized I was crying. Involuntarily. 

And I didn’t stop. Crying. Or talking. Or thinking. 

And all three continued. 

And then I remembered this video

And I was suddenly at peace. Knowing that my emotions were my strength. Not my weakness. 

I am a founder. Also the CEO

A multi tasker by nature. A problem solver

Am always in a hurry. Am paranoid about losing. 

If there is something important, then it better start now and finish today. Perhaps tomorrow. 

Because of this I throw myself into virtually all problems out there that need a fix. With an impatience. 

And that’s fucked up. 

I become part of the problem. 

When I take on the onus to solve it, I cannot objectively assess it. Or hold someone accountable for its success. I take that on myself. And see myself defending it – “at least I picked it up. It was lying there for days with no one bothered.”

Doesn’t work

As a founder, especially of a 100+ people startup, you have got to dissociate yourself from the task. And focus on the outcome. 

Don’t become part of the problem

Guess the biggest reason why managers do not have a regular 1:1 session with their direct reports? 

They do not like uncomfortable conversations. 

Everything else is an excuse. Disguised as something else. But pointing to the same reason above eventually. 

Here is a trick that has helped me navigate through this

Before such conversations, ask yourself this question and respond honestly

“Do I want this person to win? Or lose?”

If you genuinely want the person to win, you will have a very different conversation. Right from its content to its tone to its impact. 

And if you want the person to lose, don’t fuck around. Any conversation you have will force to always find faults. They can try as hard as they might. 

“Why do I have to tell him to be there when there is a release. He should know it for himself. He should care”

Do you want him to win or lose? 

“I need this in the next 2 hours and I don’t care how you do it”

Do you want him to win or lose? 

“You are not hitting your numbers. And if this continues I will have to fire you” 

Do you want him to win or lose? 

“How could you not think of this? It’s so obvious”

Do you want him to win or lose? 

Good managers are always looking for ways to make their team members win. 

I am the head of the family. 

My job is to protect the family from all evil. 

To ward them off the bad news. 

To make their lives comfortable. And happy. And peaceful. 

It is my job to fight the evil. The bad news. The threats 

This is the family leadership style. The option I exercised all this while. And it dawns upon me that this option doesn’t drive engagement. Even motivation. 

The army leadership option is that of sharing the threat. 

We are (going to be) fucked. Here is why. And I need your help. Failure is not an option. 

You are likely to lose some people in this process. 

But the ones that will save you will be far more critical to your success than the one who continue delivering their best assuming it’s peacetime. 

Don’t assume people do not want to face the threat. They might surprise you. 

I get up everyday at 6am to get my son, Vidur, ready for school. He is 5 and loves going to school. 

In true Kashmiri style, I slide my hand in his tee and run his back (we call it “fush” in Kashmiri). Then I whisper good morning in his ear. He responds back. I ask him the same question everyday, “ache se soye? (Did you sleep well?)”. And he always responds in the affirmative. 

I place him on the pot. He then brushes. I then shower him. Dress him up. Comb his hair. Shoes. A little bit of deo. And then we head out to the bus stop. 

We are always late. Always. The bus is already there waiting for us. 

Because he takes so long getting up. What should take 5 mins takes 15-20mins. 

The other day I came really late from work. And was mentally tired. Knew I won’t be able to get up. Asked Ruchi to get him ready instead. 

At 6am she asks him to get up. He doesn’t respond. We tries thrice with not much movement. Then she says “if you don’t get up now, I will not allow you to go to school today”

That shakes him up. He gets up. Does everything by himself. 

They reach the bus stop at least 5-7 mins in advance. 

——-

When we started nearbuy 7 months back, I had imagined building a certain kind of organization. An institution where people would love to come to work, and in the hours they would spend here they would give their absolute best. 

Without being asked. Or threatened. Or forced. 

That’s what every talk, every book, every research told me. 

People work for the larger cause. 

People do not like living in fear. They abhor insecurity. 

People value appreciation. And acknowledgement. 

Every single colleague of mine, when I asked what they like about working with nearbuy, stating the dreaded words “awesome culture”. 

I use the words dreaded, because it seemed they equated comfort with culture – “I love it here. It’s so comfortable. It’s a great culture”. 

What I wanted instead was – “this organization gives us so much in the name of comfort. I don’t deserve it. I have to get up everyday and run the best 24 hours of my day to deserve it. Every single day.”

During one of the lunches with my colleagues I was asked – what is the one thing you are always thinking?

“I am always thinking – what drives people to give their best? One side tells me – opportunities and autonomy. Another side tells me – threat”

I do not know the answer. 

I just shudder to think that Vidur will grow up believing that threatening is the only way to get work done. 

And that’s a scary world. 

Something is broken. Let’s fix the issue. We will analyze ‘the why’ tomorrow 

Waking up is hard. Let’s sleep today. Will work out tomorrow 

This conversation will be hard. Let me be nice today and give the true feedback tomorrow

The truth is too hard to accept. Let me close my eyes today and wake up tomorrow. 

This isn’t working out. But let me stay. It will fix itself tomorrow. 

I am not going anywhere with this. But it pays for my bills. Will take the plunge tomorrow 

The more you solve for the present, the farther the future becomes 

I smoke only 5 cigs everyday 

I drink only on weekends

I check my phone during meetings only if it’s really important 

I clear all my emails by the weekend

I eat desserts only on weekends

I leave work everyday at 6pm

Here is what discipline is not 

It’s not merely a routine 
It’s not managing an exception 

It’s not about 90% restraint and 10% indulgence 

Discipline is showing up every single day. And doing the right thing every single day. 

And to know that whenever you slip, you go back to where you started from. Not where you left. 

Discipline is not an option. 

It’s a compulsion 

The Front row for a live event is always more engaged 

They cheer

They applaud

They emote

They reflect what you want them to

Question then is, 

how many of such front rows do you have? 

What’s being heard by the back row?

How many of the back row will move to the front row the next time you talk?