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The dynamics around seeking forgiveness and granting it, is fascinating.

An apology is as it is rare to come by. And we don’t seem to be quite prepared to handle it, when it happens.

Quite often, we are seeking an apology but as soon as we hear “I am sorry”, our likely response is

“Oh it’s ok. Don’t worry about it. Not a big deal”

That confuses them.

“Am I stupid to have apologized?”

“Was I over thinking?”

“Did I just make a fool out of myself?”

A better response will be to tell them how much it means to them that they thought about this.

Same for gifting.

We receive a gift and go “oh you didn’t have to”

Instead “how thoughtful is that of you”

Someone pays on our behalf

“Oh no no no. I don’t take money from anyone.”

Instead, “that’s really kind of you. I will pay you back by tomorrow.”

Nothing beats an action that generates confidence in a person that their effort was worth it.

Missed a flight this Friday. It was a connecting flight and my incoming was delayed.

I reached the flight counter 30 mins prior to departure. It was evident that I wouldn’t be allowed, but I had to ask.

“The flight is closed, sir”

“I understand that. Is there something that can be done? I have already checked in and don’t have any check-in luggage.”

“Why did you come late, sir? We have mentioned that the counters close 45Mins before departure. And now it’s 25mins.”

Usually I am a big fan of any statement that starts with why.

Except when the statement follows the announcement of a mistake or a blunder.

Because most likely, the shy statement isn’t going to help. One bit.

Just as the “why are you late?” didn’t help either.

Instead of trying to solve the problem or admit that it can’t be solved, it goes into blame mode.

“Why did you do this?”

“Why couldn’t you think through this?”

“Why did you even try?”

“Why do we always end up like this?”

“What were you thinking?”

Asking why can either make you move forward or send you back in time.

This time machine operates at your command.

What are you going to use it for?

Courage is not when you face what’s in front of you, while being fully armed.

Courage is not when you face what’s in front of you, when you know you have everything needed to win.

Courage is not when you face what’s in front of you, when you are feeling the best about yourself.

That isn’t courage.

Maybe that’s the feeling of being powerful.

Maybe that’s the feeling of being ambitious.

Maybe that’s the feeling of optimism.

But it isn’t courage.

Courage is when you face what’s in front of you, knowing that you are weaker.

Courage is when you face what’s in front of you, knowing you don’t have everything that’s needed to win.

Courage is when you face what’s in front of you, with self doubt.

Courage

Is when you face what’s in front of you

Because that’s the only option you have given yourself.

Because not showing up

Is not you.

Whenever I find myself saying “I have nothing to share” – it’s a lie.

I do have a lot to share.

Just that I feel it’s not important enough for the other side.

Or that the way I will share it will not be appreciated by the other side.

So the right thing to say would be

“I have nothing important to share” or

“I won’t be able to share”

How many times in our day do we replace “I can’t do this” with “I won’t do this” or “I couldn’t do this” with “I didn’t do this”

How many times do we create an excuse when the choice is always with us?

I recall a conversation with my first cousin, several years back.

He said – “there are only two things that I really need in a car.”

“What are they?”, I asked.

“First – the brake”

And as I was expecting him to say that the second thing is possibly the accelerator, he goes

“And the second thing is the horn”

Honking is a fascinating phenomena in India.

It serves 3 very interesting purposes

1. “Hey – I am honking you to tell you what’s happening on the road.”

This happens when the red light turns green – and the last car honks. It’s only job is to alert.

2. “Hey – I also exist”

This is when one honks to avoid a clash or to alert another car (or pedestrian) that there is a car coming.

3. “Hey – I am in a rush. Give way”

This is symbolized by the continuous honking sound.

We all think honking on the roads is a very Indian phenomenon. And that’s largely true.

However, honking in real life happens everywhere. All the time.

1. I will “honk” on social media to tell people what’s already obvious. So that my intelligence is not undermined.

“Hey – this is what is happening in the world. You should know”

2. I will “honk” on social media to tell people about my life. Food I ate, places I visited, movies I watched, feelings I felt.

“Hey – this is my life and I exist”

3. I will “honk” on social media to promote my world view. And then defend is to all ends. Even fight people who don’t agree.

“Hey – this is my point of view and I have a right on this road. Get out of my way.”

Given the chaos on our roads, it’s not surprising that we end up honking a lot while driving.

It’s no surprise either that we honk so often in life.

Which type do we honk more often?

If I asked you which is greater?

5km or 30mins?

Your response is likely to call me stupid and move on. Time and distance are not comparable.

Yet, we do that everyday.

How far is your office?

20kms

35 mins

How far are we?

7kms

65mins

And then google maps came along and made almost everything time based.

It doesn’t matter how far things are – what matters is how long it will take you to get there.

And we just admit – that helps a lot. It’s sets the right expectations. Knowing that something is an hour away settles us down, even if it’s just a km away (well, almost!)

And even when the time to the destination changes, it doesn’t bother us as much. We adjust.

Yet, when it comes to life, we don’t seem to use the same hack.

My success is 1Cr bank balance away

My success is the title of SVP away

My success is an IPO away

My success is 30 countries travelled away

What if instead we had a way of measuring everything in time?

My success is 18 months away (as of now)

My success is 10 years away (as of now)

My success is a lifetime away (as of now).

What if the way we measured success was not by where we have to reach, instead how much time is it likely to take?

What if we committed to the journey, irrespective of the time it takes?

There was a time when there were no ranks. No grades. No scores. No positions.

You worked at something till you wanted to, or you got really good at it.

And then, the industrial revolution changed it all.

Tests were introduced. And the outcome of the tests was not to measure knowledge or understanding. Rather to grade. To score.

And then to rank.

So someone with a 93% was deemed higher than someone with 92%.

And we all got addicted.

Addicted to this race.

Fast forward today – all of us live in constant comparison.

Am I the best student?

Am I the best daughter?

Am I the best boyfriend?

Am I the best wife?

Am I the best employee?

Am I the best friend?

And all of live in constant fear, as a consequence.

Who else is better?

If only we stopped to realize

I can never control if I am the best at anything.

I can only control if I am the best version of myself, at it.

The race is not with the world. The race is within.

You have two choices in life.

Keep working to improve yourself and get to the best spot or position, within the orbit you are in.

Become the captain of your school.

Become the student of the year in your college.

The spot award winner in your company.

Or

Change your orbit

Try to become the student of the year in the state.

Try to become the ceo of the company.

Try to start your own company.

Try to go to mars.

It’s clear which one is easy.

Staying in your orbit is comfortable. It’s your zone. It’s your territory.

The new orbit is unknown. It’s unchartered. It’s risky. It might not work.

And yet, it’s those that attempt to change their orbit, that we look up to and draw from.

It’s the ones who change their orbit, who don’t belong to any orbit.

All they know is to change.

Not to stay.

Not to sit.

In the brilliant Knowledge Project podcast, Shane Parrish speaks to Tobias – founder and ceo of Shopify.

And in response to a question, Toby says, “if Shopify wins, no one loses!”

That is such a wonderful way to look at things, such a blesses position to be in and such a wonderful company to create.

As usual, my pensive mind took over and I wondered – who all will lose if I win, as an individual?

I realized there were some who might lose. Did I want them to? No. But they might.

And I then asked – what might I need to do differently that no one loses if I win.

I will encourage you to do the same. Ask yourself –

Which person

Which ideology

Which belief

Which value

Which opinion

Will lose, if you win?

And then if you care enough, ask further, what might I need to do, to ensure no one or nothing loses?

It’s not who you are underneath but what you do, that defines you.

– the Batman

It all about who I am. Because I don’t even know what all I do.

– everyone else?

A brilliant piece by Captain Gopinath emerged yesterday, on Kingfisher Airlines.

The gist of it was – Kingfisher Airlines, when it collapsed, had twice the market share of Air India with 10,000 employees. And a brand that people did love.

And a loan default of 6000 Crores.

Then how come we see Air India being saved by pumping in 50,000 Crores of taxpayers money – and the same was never considered for Kingfisher?

My guess? It is because we thought that Mallaya and Kingfisher are one.

And saving Kingfisher would amount to saving him!

Or, as we thought, hurting Kingfisher will hurt him!

Without knowing anything about him, it seems to me that he moved on, the day Kingfisher collapsed. While we are still stuck!

His arrogance and flamboyance made us despise him. And strangely his airline too.

And herein lies the truth of life.

We do this to our own selves. We create an image, a persona of who we should be, what we should say, how we should work, how we should behave.

Rarely stopping to ask – have we truly changed? Or have we just made this person up?

And then when we don’t deliver to our own expectations, we feel shitty about ourselves.

When the truth is – we were never going to deliver on that promise.

It’s all about me. Because I don’t even know who I am.