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Words. Wisdom. Winners.
never again….
this post is not for the faint hearted…or people who have never been to a public loo…!!
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ever been to a debate…?? the good ones…always define the motion infront of the house. even if the motion is “bappi lahiri is the sexiest person alive…”…they will spend painful minutes describing what their definition of ‘sexiest’, ‘person’ and ‘alive’ is…!! which is actually an impressive way of wasting time and still coming out intelligent.
so…here is my definition.
any loo that as been used (by an absolute majority) by people i have never met in my life…is a public loo…!!
i dont know if its just me…but i somehow cannot shit in a public loo when i know that people whom i know are around. best example would be office. i can never…ever get myself to sit on the pot and ease myself…
the only thought that crosses my mind is…
Shit (diffrent from the real shit!) man…i will shit…it will stink…next person comes in…and HE WILL KNOW THAT I SHAT THERE…!!
and…what the f is with these new loos whose dividers do NOT go all the way down. i mean…what in friggin world are they thinking…that the only way we will get to knw that its occupied is when we see the shoes, pulled down trousers and hairy legs of the guy on the pot…??? would a simple try at the door be enough…!! or was it that the inventor had a case wherein the person knocking refused to believe that there was someone inside until he saw one…!!!
friggin morons…!!
anyways…so i am at this restaurent…the other day…!! and i clearly remember that i eased myself in the morning. and i didnt eat anything that could have led to another visit…!!
but i had the feeling…and you know how it is…
mauth aur moot…jab aati hain…tab aati hain…!
(ofcourse…we r talking abt shit here…but u get the point!)
so…after much decision making….i was like….chuck it man….ab to karna padega…!!!
and i enter this 1×1 feet room.
which not only has a pot and a wash basin…it friggin has a urinal as well…!!
NOW WHO WOULD BE SHITTING IN A PIGEONHOLE…WHEN SOMEONE IS LEAKING BESIDE YOU…?????
but no…gay marriage as legal and so are such toilets…!!
aaah…and not to mention…it had a hand dryer as well. which makes up for the first part of the story…
the loo is so so ‘huge’ that the minute i sit down on the pot…the hand dryer gets activated. i move my arm..and it goes wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…i move my head…and the same…!! it was so bloody small that i am sure my breathing process would be causing vibrations strong enough for it to get activated as well….!!!
well..so life is not always fun. after some 5 minutes…its done. and i ready to wipe all possible clues that i ever shat…!!
now…i know i have stayed in the US for a long time…! but heck….i will never ever wipe my ass with paper for god sake…! its just not happening…
so luckily for me…there is a nozzle. and its strategically pointing towards…u know what…
i find the knob…and turn it arnd.
no water
turn more
nothing
little more
nope…
turn it all the way….
PHOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
so…now if you can imagine…everything bad that could possibly have happened..had happened. my undies were all wet…and so was my jeans…!! and there was water dripping from my ass the way it never had…!!
but…the worst was yet to come…
i get up…count till 10…actvate the dryer a million times in the process…and get myself together….
flush…
no no…wrong gues…the flush worked..!!!
the friggin shit wont move…!!!
why gawd…why….why me…and my shit…out of all…!!!
flushed again…
nope…
yet again…
nope….
now this is where sound decision making will make the difference between a winner and looser. or a “all loos are the same” and “public loos…no no no no nooo…”
i wont go into the details of how i emerge victorious…(oh yes..i did)…! but to give you a hint…once i came out…i told the manager…”you may want to change the cleaning brush…”
friggin public loos…!!!
never again…
and hey…remember the time when the air hostess says
“in the unlikely event of an emergency landing, please adopt the brace position”
here is an addition they might want to consider
“in the highly likely event that your neighbour decides to take his shoes off when his socks havent been washed for a week…please ask for our highly successful wet tissues…wipe your hand crazy with them…and adopt the manoj kumar position”
but friggin public loos..
never again…
~a
balls of steel…
no no no no no….busy….heck no….
ummm…yeah…vacationing…and hence lazy….more like it…!! not that life stopped…so hv a lot to share…so much that i hv forgotten most of it…
Solstice
Cudnt have asked for more….it was jst perfect. everything abt it…! meeting everyone again..walking down those roads again…as if you had never left…spending time doing just about nothing…! it was bliss all over. i guess the only thing that i like about work is the fact that i can now afford to fly kingfisher frm hyd to delh…instead of air deccan. its another case that i flew indigo…! but u get the point..!! student life…no matter what said and done…and no matter how many friggin assignments…is still far better…! and i hv been saying this right from my MSU days…!
the following month seems to be ISB travel month. Will (hope to atleast) visit it atleast 3 times before the final placements. A is getting married this 28th…so plannin to attend that too…!! wuuuhuuuu
New Years
Now…dont get me wrong here. Its not always that a consultant will get 10 days off…in the middle of an engagement. but things worked out. for the better. yes…i was working…frm home…so things werent as tight as they are once in Dubai. so had an awesomely chilled time. wonderful…! and yeah…the NY party was great…and i hvnt seen as much fog as i did tht night..!! it was crazy…..my left hand kept shouting….where the f is my right hand man…!!!
Misc.
Yesterday I met the weirdest guy in the history of mankind. in some loose sense i would also call him the man with balls of the hardest steel
so its airplane waiting time at the airport lounge. and the test is placed sexy. with another 70 runs to win and 4 wickets in hand…it could have gone any way. and kumble was bowling like god…so everyone was hooked on. there is this sweet 32 inch LCD screen…with all the sofas in front. however…there is one which is right below the LCD…facing all other sofas.
now i do understand that some people dont like cricket. or lets say dont enjoy it as much. and thats fine…seriously. i think they should just change their nationality if they are indians…or continue to live with a foreign passport…and they will do just fine.
but no…this gentleman…indian…in his 50s maybe…decides to show the world his mind. so when some 50 odd souls are watching the screen…following the match…he enters the lounge…and sit on the sofa right below the screen. so now…he is facing the entire crowd…!!!
dont miss this historic moment in history people…! there is a screen with decent volume…and almost everyone is wathcing that. and there is this dude…who is facing everyone…and looking right into their eyes…
and then he does it…the act that will catapult him to the hall of fame. he shakes his head….left to right…and goes….tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk….for almost 20 odd seconds.
HE WAS FRIGGIN PITYING US…
one half of my brain was giving his a standing ovation…the other was imagining the plight of his kids at the loss of their father…!!
crazy….
and surely balls of steel….
but what was he thinkin…???
~a
orgasmed again…
at times i wonder what my mum will hv to say about my blogs…and the number of times i use the big O word…!! my guess is she will be shocked at the fact that i know about the word…let alone using it every second line…
anyways…
my current client had participated in this huge international exhibition by the name of cityscape. we particpated (and had quite an awesome stand…including the hostesses..!!)…and had roped in a photographer for the entire 3 days duration.
for the entire 3 days….i had a ball with him. went through a crash course…and loved the fact that there were shit loads of stuff that i wasnt even aware of…!! and tht gives me a kick…cause i know that i work on those and i will be better than what i am…!! ofcourse…it wud hv been tragic if i got to know that i know everything that there is to it….and still click the quality that i do….which wud mean tht i suck…!!!
after cityscape the engagement happened….(yes..if you havent read the dec edition of TIME…this will be news!)…and hey…am talking abt my engagement…yes…yes…me…!!!
it went well…everyone was happy…tht includes me…and the parents of all delhi girls…!
came back…and will be flyin to ISb this weekend for the reunion…(WUUUHUUUUUUUUU)…but…my latest learnt talent will be put to use…! so got myself some sexy professional rolls…and a new set of batteries…! had intentions of clicking at will when on campus…
things were to change when i loaded the film on the camera yesterday. i jst cudnt resist…and for the next 2 hrs jst played with my camera like never before..! its funny how a material thing can bring you so much pleasure. i mean…alright..a dildo wud fit in the same description..but this is a camera i am talking abt…!!
fascinating stuff….!
orgasmed again…
~a
PS:
1. project got an extension…will be in Dubai till feb end.
2. am going on a long leave starting 25th…all the way to 2nd jan
3. registered 40% returns in the market…in the past one week…
4. met with E after a long time…and it was amazing
5. did i mention…life’s good…?
amoungst clouds…
a closer view of the Burj Dubai. stunning development…
~a
Dubai Monsoon
from my hotel. the Burj Dubai in the background. when completed in end 2007, it shall be the world’s tallest towers. at some 860 friggin meters and 180 storeys.
currently its at 86 storeys…and the clouds can already reach it…!!
~a
Iconic..!!
a very unsual day for Dubai. rained for some 18 non-stop hours….and one cant imagine that this is a desert..! beautiful weather.
the iconic Burj al Arab, amidst clouds…
~a
Madinat Jumeirah
madinat jumeirah is one of the prettiest malls i have visited. simply because its unique. just look at the image…one cant imagine that this is a mall..!! breathtaking interiors…a lot of work has gone into designing this masterpiece
the Burj in the background…
~a
hrithik shud start wearing a…..
So life has been pretty hectic for the past 10 days. Took a day off to attend a friend’s wedding which eventually turned out to be quite a hectic and an enjoyable experience. I can see why the director ever thought of coming up with a “hum aapke hain kaun”story line. Marriages are quite fun in their own way.
And then work has been quite involving…and orgamiscally exciting. I never knew I would enjoy marketing, the way I am right now. Am leading the marketing strategy implementation for our client…and its awesome. The thought behind brand development…interacting with agencies…and hearing them share their perspectives on how we should position ourselves. All of it is quite fascinating…and quite new…to me. Am loving it.
However, in this welcomed madness the last thing I wanted was a crappy movie. I guess god was traveling with ear plugs on when I was praying not to get me into that one bad show.
So last night I watched Dhoom 2
Now now…don’t get me wrong. Its slick. Definitely. Slicker than most bollywood stuff I have seen. But for god sake…I mean…gimme a break…what is it…? James Bond magnified?
Frankly I had expected more. The action scenes were just overdone…and OH MY GAWD…with logic taking a long ass leak while those were being shot. Friggin cop jumps off the cliff…when the thief has done so 3 seconds back as well. But hey…thief has parachute…cop just has biceps…! So lo behold…cop jumps…and no…he is not trying to land on the parachute…no no…that too feminine for such a shot…he jst tries to position himself so that he lands right on the back of the thief. And after some hot gay romance…they kiss…and live happily ever after…!!
and some things were like….wtf…!! what is the queen doing in the middle of the desert of namibia….and WITH THE CROWN…??? and entry of abhishekh…toooooo much. the dude emerges from underwater on a sea scooter…wearing leather jackets..!! wuuuhuuuuuuuuuu…!! i can understand why he would do something like this…!! cmon…with all the female fish hittin on him…he cudnt be at his worst…!!
i think he should simply start acting for a change…!! ummm…and shaving as well..!!
My biggest takeaway…hrithik should start wearing a bra..!!
My biggest observation…i think aish can wear the same bra…if u know what i mean…
and does everyone think that the kabul express trailers are quite awesome…????
~a
"…we hv to do it…"
so this is a real life incident. happened to me last thrusday on my flight back to india…
every indian on this planet..and every traveler to India as well…can relate to one sight. queues. friggin queues. everywhere..! we indians r so used to jst placing ourselves confortably in a line…and jst live the rest of our lives trying to reach the ‘counter’.
so it was one of those queues again…that got me introduced to her. i was boarding the flight…with my boarding pass in hand…(and mind u…even if u hv bloody boarded a plane more times than u have pissed in yur life…the hostess will definitely ask u for your boarding pass and direct you to your seat…as if you are the biggest moron who couldnt have figured by himself..! anyways…)
so there is this huge line leading to the miserly economy class…(reminds me of a seinfeld joke…he was talking abt the way the hostesses draw the curtain between the economy and business class…saying with their eyes…”if only you had worked harder”)…and its dragging along…till the time i reach right at the entrance. and its been some 2 minutes at the same….the line is jst not moving.
“oohh…discovery channel..thats my fav”..!
a rather stunning airhostess…(who btw i had conveniently avoided mentioning so far…)…standing at the right side…! her repsonse is to the discovery logo on my tee…which R had given sometime back (quite cool stuff these discovery guys make..!).
“aaaah…thts nice..! infact..we ‘at discovery’ have a hidden vision. that everyone in this worls feel exacly what you feel”
there were artificial hehe-huhuh laughter…before the line finally moved on..!!
now..if u hvnt figured by now…i said “we at dicovery”..which in the english language means that i lied. about the fact that i work at discovery. now dont get me wrong here…i am quite proud to be a consultant…i think they r the best invention by mankind..after the safety pin ofcourse…! but something within me…made me lie..
and wait..there is more…
so i seat myself…and put the “do not disturb…even if the friggin plane is going down and i dont have my for gods sake seat belt on” tag on my seat…and as i am about to close my eyes…she comes in again…
“hot towels please”
sleep’s gone..! am with discovery again…
“so what do you do for discovery”…she asks…while holding the towel for the passenger to me left (i was aisle)…and given who was sitting on tht seat…i am sure he felt it was some sort of hypnotic towel..meant to soothen the body during the flight…cause he jst didnt move his eyes off it.
“ummm…i work as a photographer for them”
aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…cold blooded lie…how cud u…!!
“wow…thats awesome…! here in dubai”
“nope..in their delhi office. had come to dubai to cover the desert safari for a brochure we are working on..”
if only my thought process was as fast when needed
“thats quite interesting. please let me know if you need anything. i promise not to disturb you though…even if the friggin plane is going down and i dont have my for gods sake seat belt on
yes yes yes…she reads my mind…i can so totally see it…!! wuuuhuuuuuuu
so…rest of the flight was quite good…slept a decent bit..and each time i woke up..i saw her fanning me with a magazine…smiling sweetly at me as if so totally admiring me..! ok…i am lying here…cmon…u cudnt hv believed me now..!!
but yeah…i didnt see her at all till the flight landed…
at the entrance…she was there…with her…”thnks…bye bye now”…and i went…wtf man…let it go…
“ummm…btw i was lying…! i dont work for discovery. my fiance does. she gave me this tee”
“hahaha..!! u serious…??? well…btw…discovery is not my fav channel either…”
WTF…!!!
“…u see…its our job…we have to do it…”
:)
~a
so…kerela was fun. i wasnt raped…and no guy touched me as well. no wait…i take tht back…i mean…i went for a massage on thr last day…
the entire team had left on sunday and we dubai sheikhs were left to ourselves…given the timing of our flight. so i pretty much slept through the day…didnt hv lunch…watched the finals…fought a fire back in office…and then decided to go for a massage…
the weirdest hour of my life…
ok…so i was ready to be almost naked…infront of a guy whom i hadnt met…ever..! big shit..i thought to myself. if gandhi could almost do it…infront of the entire world…heck..am just an overweight normal guy..! and then…the fact that the massage place would provide disposable underwear…did provide for some relief.
so i enter this room…and this dude…i will call him X…opens the almirah..and reaches out for a small cigar like thing. i guess its the underwear…and as he takes the wrapper off and asks me to wear it..while he waits outside…several thoughts cross my mind…till it hits me…
WAIT A MINUTEEEEE…!!! AT WHAT POINT OF TIME WERE YOU PLANNING TO TELL ME THAT DISPOSABLE UNDERWEAR MEANS TRANSPARENT UNDERWEAR…!!!????
it was at this precise moment…when i am in my original undies…holding the ‘disposable’ undies…tht i realize where it all came from…the phrase…”point of no return”
ok..so calm down…all’s good…believe in your sexuality…hold on…dont sweat…hold on…calm down…just close your eyes and imagine its some machine operating on you…!
the music is chosen…and the oil is heated. they start with the head and its quite a fascinating feeling when the 1st drop touches your scalp. i am a sucker for head massages…once gave a tip of 50 (on a rate list of 30) to a guy whom i cud hv married if he was a girl…simply cause of the head massage he gave me..!
the next 15 odd mins are soothing. the massage is flowing smoothly…the occasional ‘touching’ is conveniently ignored…and before i realize i am fast asleep.
“sir sir sir…r u ok sir…r u ok sir”…shaking me rigourously. i wake up with a jerk…open my eyes…and find X’s face in friggin nanometer smooching distance.
holy shit..!!
i mean dude….am i the first person to hv fallen asleep during a RELAXATION massage…???? cmon for god sake…
for any current or to-be masseur…here is a healthy tip…
imagine a sage…seeking nirvana. and some dude has told him…tapasya for 22 yrs…and u shall hv it. so he begins…and the present time is 21 yrs…11 months…23 hrs…and 45 mins. i mean…friggin 15 min away frm nirvana. now what X did was equivalent to shaking the sage out of his meditation and asking him the directions to the river where the local beautiies bathe..!!
DONT EVER DO IT..!! someone’s gonna get hurt real bad…!
it was never the same after tht. the massage ended and i didnt quite enjoy it the way i expected myself to…but heck..atleast i got one in kerela..!!
life’s ‘gay’..!!
~a
PS: as a sidenote…AD kicked ass today at the DB interview. and i expected him to. it was an awesome feeling when he told me abt it…though i cudnt resist going back in time…exactly a yr back. to this day…i dont know what to make out of that day…but i do remember telling PG this…a week after my interviews…”zindagi mein kuch bhi…kabhi itni aasaani se nahi mila”….! and yeah…sach mein nahi mila!
proud of u AD…jst hang in there now…! its ur day today…!
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