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Words. Wisdom. Winners.

i love democracy…

Sep 22, 2009 | | 0 Comments

…i especially love how it makes itself so flexible that the very rights people have, become their weapons to play around with the system!

What the F*** is Nalini thinking????

Ummm…hang on…just a minute…! Was it you who ummm…was involved in the assassination of Rajiv Gandhi?? Huh..? Yes? Oh ok…! So what is it that you are demanding now? Ohhh…an early release…oh thats why you are on a fast…! Aaahh….makes sense..! Please go ahead. Please!

“cattle class” has just lost its humor

Sep 22, 2009 | , | 0 Comments

Cattle

1. Large rudimentary animal that are bred for slaughter and processed into food products
2. Short for ‘cattle class’ which pertains to flying economy class (or ‘coach’ in America) on a flight. It is called this mainly because many people are crammed into such a small space for an extended period of time and most of the time are treated like animals.

In other words, Cattle Class is not a reference to the people travelling in economy, rather a reflection of the apathy of the service provider towards such people! Which, if you really ask me, is true, especially of the Railways (and nowadays also of airlines!). We have all been a victim of stinking toilets, torn seats, dirty linen and kullad dahi

So I really fail to understand the big shit about Tharoor’s remarks on twitter. I might be conservative here, but I am on that side of the country today which suggests that Politicians need to be politically correct all the time! That by definition is a politician! He cant be insensitive to the masses.

But my contention here is that Tharoor wasnt! The friggin INC is suggesting that he was! No…wait…let me rephrase that…the INC is holding Tharoor by the throat, blocking his nose, opening his mouth…and making sure he gulps the fact that he was insensitive in his remarks! He WASNT!

And now….he goes to Soniaji to beg for mercy…amidst demands of his resignation! Holy friggin shit..! He has been told to be careful

Tharoor’s tweets from now on, will be such

cattle class in solidarity with all our holy cows

(Twitter HAS to be flexible enough to allow dashes in its tweets, from now on! Government can friggin fail)

What’s ironical is that all this tamasha could not have come at a better time! Duronto…madam mamta (not kulkarni) non-stop trains project…has reintroduced the 3-tier system (long disbanded) in the side berth!

INC – do you now understand who is being referred to..in “cattle class”

Well…atleast someone has a sense of humor in the party…!

What…he has been asked to resign…!!??? Had to be…!

How the Internet defines new boundaries for customer service

Sep 16, 2009 | , | 2 Comments

I am a sucker for high quality customer service. And I am an Internet guy…! This combination makes me realize (not necessarily before anyone else) that in the world of Internet, customer service acquires a whole new meaning.

Recall the days when companies had a customer service number (not even toll-free) that was rarely attended to, or even if it was, would sound as if it was a favor? Remember how in those days one didn’t really have any outlet to crib about companies that were indifferent to their customers? Recall the times when you were put on an “your call is important to us. Please wait for the next 39 minutes because..really..do you have a choice?” hold!

Not anymore. The Internet has allowed people to come together, share their crib…and make companies respond to their customers in a never before manner. Yah…forget the fact that some companies still dont…and I honestly dont know what they are upto. But most discerning companies today are responding to customer grievances, which mostly get solved by a simple apology and the display of an effort not to repeat the situation again, with any other customer.

Which scares me…because I am now handling both sides of the coin. At one hand I continue to be a customer…and I cant even begin to recount how often I have written to the CEOs of corporates (and big ones huh…Jet, Maruti, Toshiba, Jumeirah, Starwood at last count!) and actually got them to move their ass…and on the other side…I am today a service provider too. Through Accentium, we are serving a large section of the Indian Internet population and there are bound to be mistakes we make. And there are bound to be grievances that customers raise.

I shudder to think of times when our customers get together and complain about our products. I hate to think of such a possibility…but I am guessing it happens. Which always keeps us on our toes. We, on a normal day, recieve anywhere between 5-10 customer emails about our services. Some are happy news (we received 2 success stories for SecondShaadi yesterday!!)…some are general emails (I need to change my listing. How do I do that)…and some are feedback mails…good rarely..bad mostly…(why is this not working…why are you sending me random profiles when I asked for only this this this)

All of this gives us immense insight into how our customers operate. And we make it a point to respond to all…without fail…such emails. Because we want them to know that we care…and while we have done what we thought was best for you all…but to really make us the best…we need your feedback. We need to know what are we doing wrong..more than the right.

I personally treasure these emails. Because I know that most customers are not even bothered about sending in an email. They will simply move on…most probably…to our competitor…and its scary to think how many would have. So such emails are a fantastic find..because they take the pains to give me feedback. And we try to hold on to them as much as we can.

And angry customers are really really bad people…! go to this site Consumer Complaints. It is nothing but thousands of customer complaining…! Nothing else..! There are no resolutions to these complaints in an official manner (the only way is if the companies are actually tracking the posts there…but are they)…! But look at its power. You search for “HDFC netbanking” and complaints from the site are there on Page1. Search for “Airtel Prepaid” and same result…search for “online sbi” and same result.

Thats the power of the site. Some..atleast some…potential customers when searching for these queries will catch the complaints too. Imagine…the corporate website is the first result and the complaints is right there on the same page! The company has friggin spent their life building that brand and a single customer’s complaint has now come at the same level. Thats the power of the Internet!

I love the openness of the Internet. I love the fact that it dissolves boundaries and it creates communities…where people can share! Ironically…these are the same things that makes me scared now.

Addition

Matt Cutts recently blogged about his bad experience with US Airways. Imagine how powerful that is. He could have simply written to the CEO of US Airways…am sure he can figure that much out. But he close to blog instead! Turning the entire world into a community…of people complaining about similar experience. You have to read the comments on the post…! Whats worse is that not even a single comment seems to be from someone at US Airways, trying to offer an apology…or atleast an explanation! Sad!

the social responsibility of business…is to make ‘profits’

Sep 16, 2009 | , | 0 Comments

I COULDN’T AGREE MORE!

Last month I was invited for a guest lecture at MDI, Gurgaon. The audience was someone I had never dealt with…infact an audience that at some level scares me till date. I was to face a bunch of 40-odd NGO heads! Individuals running highly successful social enterprises who thought that i could be someone who could tell them how to use the Internet to their advantage.

I decided to begin the discussion with a digression…and the first thing I wrote on the board…which set the tone of the next hour…was the title of this post “the social responsibility of business is to make profits” (famously first discussed by Friedman in his pathbreaking 1970 article)

I was amazed at the fact that this concept struck a perfect chord with everyone (well, almost) present in the audience! maybe that why they were all successful NGOs. Because honestly, I find this NGO bit a little stupid. It always has that socialist, Nehru-era hangover which I totally abhor! what good is running an NGO when you are friggin bleeding money day-in and day-out…you cant get a competent team to work for you for a salary…and you rely on funds and grants but never really have a sustainable ‘business model’

i know…maybe THATS what an NGO is not supposed to be, but I definitely dont agree. Humans fundamentally are driven by their own needs…we are selfish beings! so dont expect someone to follow your path if he/she doesnt see convenience and comfort in doing so. So stop making all these NGOs that are urging people to go non-plastic and are urging people to adopt stray dogs! Its not going to work…and why would you want to force someone to do so anyways. why does it take an Einstein to realize that friggin removing plastic bags is not the solution, because the minute you do that, inconvenience creeps in…and no one will want to live with that.

Seth Godin fantastically summarizes my thoughts in a single line…and I love him for that

If your non-profit isn’t acting with as much energy and guts as it takes to get funded in Silicon Valley or featured on Digg, then you’re failing in your duty to make change

You have to read his entire post. Absolute Gem!

District 9: The Movie Review

Sep 7, 2009 | | 0 Comments

District 9 is an absolute gem…and the funny part is…i dont know why!

District 9 Poster

The film has a documentary feel to it…the kind that reminds one of The Blair Witch Project. It starts off with a series of documentary-like interviews, which lay the story for the viewer. An Alien spaceship arrives above Johhannesberg, some 20 years back…and just stays put. Humans finally decide to do something about it..after they have waited for 3 months…and they enter the ship. Only to find the aliens in a terrible state…as if some epidemic had taken over. So as a gracious welcome, the aliens are moved to the city.

The place where the aliens stay is District 9.

Its been 20 years and people are fed up of District 9. Its a slum (yup…even aliens have one) and the Prawns (which the aliens are called, since they resemble them!) are not welcome in society. So you see all these roadsigns segregating them from humans (which would have been easier for South Africa, considering their past!)

A private company, MNU is entrusted with the task of moving these aliens to a new place of refuge, District 10. Spearheading the task is an MNU employee, Wikus. Its later realized that the very reason why the aliens have been tolerated this far is because of their (guess guess) weapon technology. Unfortunately, there hasnt been any luck on that so far, since humans are incapable of operating those awesome guns!

Wikus sets out on the eviction plan and during once such visits enters into a slum house that has some crazy shit going on. Computers and wires and some equipments etc. He starts to search through the place and in the process spills some dark liquid onto his face, which came from a silver can. he confiscates the can

Wikus’ health starts deteriorating and he is admitted to the hospital. Its there that the doctors realize that his left hand has transformed (or mutated) into an alien hand! MNU immediately takes over him and needless to say, trie to see if he is capable of operating the weapons. And yup…he is! The doctors figure out that by some mechanism the alien DNA has entered Wikus’s body and found a perfect balance with the human DNA. He is still a human, but transforming slowly into an alien.

What happens thereafter is an awesome ride during which Wikus struggles to find his own identify and the secret of what happened to him. It is during this, that he meets Christopher, the alien who had collected that dark fluid over the past 20 years!

District 9 is unlike any other alien movie I have seen before. Yes, it does have fight sequences and ugly aliens, but the underlying tone is very different. Its not, for a change, about aliens trying to kill humans or taking over Earth. Or aliens becoming friends with humans and helping them in their daily chores! Its a thriller…and a good one at that…and its a common man’s story about his fight! I could identify with Wikus’s character because at no time was he a superhero…nor was he the savior of the human race. He was a simple guy who wanted to become a human again and go back home…and think it was all a bad dream!

Brilliantly done…! And yet..its such a simple movie at the end of it!

District 9 is a must watch

Rating: 5/5

Movie Site: http://www.d-9.com/

IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1136608/

we have to do it…

Sep 4, 2009 | , | 3 Comments

back when I used to fly to Dubai for work…Emirates Airlines was like second home. Its not funny the number the movies I have watched…and the amount of fun me and my team mates have had on those flights.

I was remembering one such instance this morning…and realized that I had blogged about it previously. Am reposting the same…makes for some fun read!

___________

so this is a real life incident. happened to me last Thursday on my flight back to India…

every Indian on this planet..and every traveler to India as well…can relate to one sight. queues. friggin queues. everywhere..! we Indians are so used to just placing ourselves comfortably in a line…and just live the rest of our lives trying to reach the ‘counter’.

so it was one of those queues again…that got me introduced to her. i was boarding the flight…with my boarding pass in hand…(and mind u…even if u have bloody boarded a plane more times than u have pissed in your life…the hostess will definitely ask u for your boarding pass and direct you to your seat…as if you are the biggest moron who couldn’t have figured by himself..! anyways…)

so there is this huge line leading to the miserly economy class…(reminds me of a seinfeld joke…he was talking abt the way the hostesses draw the curtain between the economy and business class…saying with their eyes…”if only you had worked harder”)…and its dragging along…till the time i reach right at the entrance. and its been some 2 minutes at the same….the line is jst not moving.

“oohh…discovery channel..thats my fav”..!

a rather stunning airhostess…(who btw i had conveniently avoided mentioning so far…)…standing at the right side…! her repsonse is to the discovery logo on my tee…which R had given sometime back (quite cool stuff these discovery guys make..!).

“aaaah…thts nice..! infact..‘we at discovery’ have a hidden vision. that everyone in this world feel exacly what you feel”

there was some artificial hehe-huhu…before the line finally moved on..!!

now..if u hvnt figured by now…i said “we at dicovery”..which in the english language means that i lied. about the fact that i work at discovery. now dont get me wrong here…i am quite proud to be a consultant…i think they r the best invention by mankind..after the safety pin ofcourse…! but something within me…made me lie..

so i seat myself…and put the “do not disturb…even if the friggin plane is going down and i dont have my for gods sake seat belt on” tag on my seat…and as i am about to close my eyes…she comes in again…

“hot towels please”

sleep’s gone..! am with discovery again…

“so what do you do for discovery”…she asks…while holding the towel for the passenger to me left (i was aisle)…and given who was sitting on that seat…i am sure he felt it was some sort of hypnotic towel..meant to soothen the body during the flight…cause he just didnt move his eyes off it.

“ummm…i work as a photographer for them” (WTFF…cold blooded lie..aspirational though..mind you!)

“wow…thats awesome…! here in dubai?”

“nope..in their delhi office. had come to dubai to cover the desert safari for a brochure we are working on..” (I could have very well said I was here to cover the Burj Al Arab…but no..stupid moron…if only my thought process was as fast when needed)

“thats quite interesting. please let me know if you need anything. i promise not to disturb you though…even if the friggin plane is going down and i dont have my for gods sake seat belt on”

yes yes yes…she reads my mind…i can so totally see it…!! wuuuhuuuuuuu

so…rest of the flight was quite good…slept a decent bit..and each time i woke up..i saw her fanning me with a magazine…smiling sweetly at me as if so totally admiring me..! ok…i am lying

…i didnt see her at all till the flight landed…

at the entrance…she was there…with her…”thnks…bye bye now”…and i went…wtf man…let it go…

“ummm…btw i was lying…! i dont work for discovery. my fiance does. she gave me this tee”

“hahaha..!! u serious…??? well…btw…discovery is not my fav channel either…”

WTF…!!!

“…u see…its our job…we have to do it…”

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