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It’s not who you are underneath but what you do, that defines you.

– the Batman

It all about who I am. Because I don’t even know what all I do.

– everyone else?

A brilliant piece by Captain Gopinath emerged yesterday, on Kingfisher Airlines.

The gist of it was – Kingfisher Airlines, when it collapsed, had twice the market share of Air India with 10,000 employees. And a brand that people did love.

And a loan default of 6000 Crores.

Then how come we see Air India being saved by pumping in 50,000 Crores of taxpayers money – and the same was never considered for Kingfisher?

My guess? It is because we thought that Mallaya and Kingfisher are one.

And saving Kingfisher would amount to saving him!

Or, as we thought, hurting Kingfisher will hurt him!

Without knowing anything about him, it seems to me that he moved on, the day Kingfisher collapsed. While we are still stuck!

His arrogance and flamboyance made us despise him. And strangely his airline too.

And herein lies the truth of life.

We do this to our own selves. We create an image, a persona of who we should be, what we should say, how we should work, how we should behave.

Rarely stopping to ask – have we truly changed? Or have we just made this person up?

And then when we don’t deliver to our own expectations, we feel shitty about ourselves.

When the truth is – we were never going to deliver on that promise.

It’s all about me. Because I don’t even know who I am.

I stay on the 15th floor and quite often climb up the stairs, after my morning workout. 

And I love playing tricks with my mind. 

Usually I climb up while looking down, thinking about something, not consciously counting the floors. 

And then one time, I did notice the floor.
It was Floor 5. 
And my mind instantly went, “damn – all the hard work done until now, has to be repeated 2 more times”. 

And then one time, I did notice the floor.
It was floor 8. 
And my mind instantly went, “ok – just repeat what you have done until now and you will reach”. 

And then one time, I did notice the floor.
It was floor 10.
And my mind instantly went, “just half of what you have done until now!”

And then one time, I did notice the floor.
It was floor 15. 
And my mind instantly went, “wow! Its done?”

And then one time, I did notice the floor.
It was floor 16. 
And my mind instantly went, “holy shit. I didnt even realize it!”

There are so many ways we can trick our minds. And all of them begin with not tracking what milestone we have hit so far. Instead focusing on the climb. 
And keep climbing! 

My tennis coach has been saying just one thing for the past 6 months.

Get the posture right.

He claims that with the right posture, the effort to hit the ball dramatically reduces.

And I have felt it.

Those rare moments when the legs, the hands, the racquet, the weight are all aligned, it’s effortless to hit the ball.

But it isn’t easy. Years of conditioning and bad posturing makes it super hard to get it right.

And that, to me, is coaching.

Quickly getting the fundamentals in order.

And then spending a lifetime just getting the posture right.

Because once it happens – it’s effortless.

That, to me, is also life!

Quickly figuring out the basics.

And then spending the rest of our lives getting the posture right.

When our minds, our body, our emotions are all aligned – the right posture – living life becomes effortless.

But for that – we all need a coach.

Not someone who necessarily plays better than us.

Rather someone who can observe people for who they are, not what the coach thinks they are or should be.

Find your coach. For the right posture.

Stayed at the Oberoi last night.

The previous night at an OYO.

And it was so clear, yet again. The only time we are truly awake, is when we are sleeping.

The conscious mind knows the difference between an Oberoi and an OYO. It seeks to judge. To assign a value. A prestige to the choice.

The subconscious mind couldn’t care less. It is neutral, indifferent, objective.

It is what we should be.

The bed we sleep on is judged by us all the time. Once asleep, our minds are possibly judging us!

Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky invented a fictitious woman named Linda and gave her the below description:

“Linda is thirty-one years old, single, outspoken, and very bright. She majored in philosophy. As a student, she was deeply concerned with issues of discrimination and social justice, and also participated in antinuclear demonstrations.”

People were then asked to cite which statement was more likely:

Linda is a bank teller.

Linda is a bank teller who is active in the feminist movement.

Did you choose the latter option? It’s easy to see someone like Linda being involved in feminist causes. And it’s much easier to picture her in that role than as a bank teller. Undergraduate study participants agreed. Nearly 90% said that Linda was more likely to be a feminist bank teller than a bank teller.

Except this choice completely defies the laws of probability. Since all feminist bank tellers are included within the overall base of bank tellers, the probability of Linda being a feminist bank teller must be lower than the probability of her being a bank teller.

Ask yourself

How many times have you allowed YOUR imagination of someone else come in the way of truly discovering that person?

And then ask the more important question

How many times have you allowed YOUR impression of who you are come in the way of discovering who you truly are?

People usually speak of me as a good listener. As a patient listener. As an empathetic leader. Someone who cares.

The truth is – I only care about learning. And if that learning comes through your story – so be it. If it comes from observing, from listening, from reading, from watching – I will sign up.

And what is it that I wish to learn?

The truth about myself.

Why am I the way I am. Why do some things work for me and some don’t. Why do somethings come easy to me and some don’t.

The truth

And in that pursuit of truth – I will sacrifice a lot and perhaps make people believe a lie. That I care about your story.

I don’t.

I only care about my learning.

An organization’s goal is not to provide a learning platform for people.

An organization’s goal is not to plan for people’s careers and aspirations. Or to cater to their ambition.

An organization’s job is not to give people all-rounded experience.

Instead

An organization’s job is to constantly manage risk.

And it manages risk by placing the best and most relevant individuals in the right roles.

It manages risk by bringing in experts that don’t always reinvent the wheel.

It manages risk by diversifying itself (not its people).

So if your organization wants you to become an expert in something, this is the context. It’s just doing its job!

This is a story of 2 sisters.

The elder one asks the younger one, “describe what according to you is a good conversation.”

The younger one thinks for a while and shares.

“Respect. For me a good conversation is about respect.

Where I feel there is mutual respect.

I don’t feel threatened. Or embarrassed. Or stupid.

There is no hate, anger, abuse, accusation.

The conversation leaves me with a nice feeling.

That’s a good conversation.”

“That is a lovely description”, remarks the elder one. “Tell me of the last time you didn’t have such a conversation with someone else.”

“Ummm, I can’t recall any bad conversations lately. Most conversations I have had have been good. Even if not entirely, then definitely in that direction.”

The elder one then remarked.

“That’s awesome! You haven’t had a bad conversation, one that comprises hatred and abuse and accusation and disrespect, with anyone lately.

Then how is it that you have had such conversations with your own self?”

You see, the elder one knew that the younger one is low on self confidence. That she has massive self doubt.

And to help her heal she had two options.

Option 1: “Don’t feel this way. Don’t do it. This is wrong. You know it’s wrong. Fix yourself.”

Option 2: “This is who you could become. Do you like this other person? You already are this person. What will it take you to become one for your own self?”

Option 1 accuses.

It corners people. It asks them to change.

Ironically, people cling on to what they have even more. Because who likes to be stripped away from their identity. Every one of us would like to belong.

Option 2 exposes the options.

This is who you could become. This is what you could feel. This is all that is available as your choices. Do you like any of these choices? Do you already exercise some of them?

When trying to change people, including and especially yourself – don’t accuse them of who they are. Instead, show then who all they could be!

Sometimes the worst relationships we have to save ourselves from, is the one we have with our own selves.