If there is a difficult conversation in the relationship and the person in front of you becomes defensive, say these things to give them assurance:
“I am sharing this with you because I care about us.
I don’t want to attack you.
I know it may not seem like it, but I am not your enemy. I can never be your enemy.
This is not a battle between you and me. It is a battle between us and this situation.
I know you are feeling defensive because of my words, but I really want to understand you.
Please talk to me. It is important for me that both of us are able to say difficult things to each other and feel safe while saying them.”