life as a consultant always gears you up for an alternative career as a hotel and airline critic….! and yeah…ofcourse…rental car service critic too..! which reminds me…why do all the cabs…even the ones running in the evening, carry yesterday’s newspaper..! and why do i still read them..?

anyways…so yeah…hotel and airline critic. hotels are for later…but recently i realized that i have flown all the airlines in the indian skies…! so here…

Indian
I strongly protest the name firstly…! given how they perform…all that we will hear is…Indian food sucks…Indian is never on time…Indian women are old…and rude…and well…at times you need time to figure out that they are women…!

that said…who am i to complain of the name. but for hevens sake..if i buy a ticket…plz…plz…dont jst give me a craft to fly in..and a seat to sit on..! give me some respect as well…!

“Ummm…could I have today’s financial express?”
“we dont carry all the newspaper in this country”

“some water please?”
“can i first finish giving everyone their food…”

“please dont disturb me for the meals. i am full and would like to sleep”
“sir…sir…sir…(shaking me left and right…GET UP YOU BUGGER)…ma’am..he is not getting up…sir…sir…ah yes…sir…would you like veg or non-veg…?”

please…please…dont fly those…! please….


Jet
Has got to have the best frequent flier program..! fantastic upgrades….and beautiful service..! ofcourse…sexy flight timings…and great confort. so my personal first choice…

but then….they overdo it…

“sir…veg or non-veg”
“no i am fine…wont have anything”
“are you sure sir?”
“yes…pretty much…thank you…”
“can i get you some fruits”
“no please…thanks”
“sure sir..?”
“(mataji…maine kal chacha ke chole bhature khaye the….aur mujhe dast lag gayi hain. agar maine kuch khaaya…to yahaan nadiyaan beh jayenge…and u know of what…so plz…can i not have anything…) Yes…thanks again”


Air Deccan
i hereby declare the eighth wonder of the world. Air Deccan landing each time it takes off…! with the state of their crafts and the way the pilots run those machines…its sheer miracle at play. maybe we should call gopinath a saint..!

I remember…while at ISB…AD was my fav airline. one cause that was the only one i could afford from hyd to delhi for my home trips…and two cause i handt flown anything else except jet. and that was at a time when the del-mumbai return ticket used to cost in numbers as bappi lahiri has gold in kgs..! basically shit loads…! until AD arrived and changed everything…

but then it jst lost it mid-way. if you arrive at any airport…the only passenger counter with the max passengers…and the max chaos will be it.

and recently…i read this as an Advertisement for AD.

“We have 99% OTP (on time performance)”
the fine print….which was in a font size smaller than all roles of rakhi sawant in bollywood put together…said…OTP measures if a flight has arrived/departed within an hour of its scheduled arrival/departure time..!
holy friggin shit…! this means that 1% of all AD flights actually land an hr after scheduled time..!! and they fly some 350 flights a day….so 4 flights daily with this statistic…!! horrible…!

Spicejet
a late entrant in the no-frills space…but has done itself a lot of good..! decent airlines with great potential. have only flown it once…so cant really comment…

Indigo
This has got to take the cake. an absolute delight to fly this. one thing smart that they do is to allow buffer time on their stated arrival time. so even though its factually incorrect…psychologically it works wonder. so all the times that i have flown Indigo….they have always landed much before their scheduled time..!

plush aircrafts…extremely friendly staff…brilliant comfort. right from the bus that takes you to the craft from the terminal…to the leg space and the seats itself.

funny is how these no-frills airlines dont expect business travellers at all. i boarded an indigo…to go to ISB last week…and was in my business suit. firstly…people couldnt stop getting amazed and amused at my attire…so much so that i checked myself if i still had my pants on….

i board the craft…and out of habit give my jacket to the airhostess. she politely…and quite regretfully informs that they dont have a provision to keep jackets…! nor did they have any business newspaper on board…! but i can live with these….

Kingfisher
always…and i mean…always…ask for the aisle seat. and if you have flown kingfisher…you know why…! great service…horrible food…and no concept of cost cutting. i appreciate them handing that passenger kit..but frankly…why waste that bit. has any customer research been undertaken to see what all frm that kit is actually carried out by the passenger…? i see the pen used a lot…but thats abt it..!

i hv written abt the airlines previously as well…so will attach an excerpt…

and then…we hv to give to mr mallaya. i mean…u get balls of steel to get yana gupta to speak hindi…let alone show how to unbuckle a seatbelt. the words tht she used were last used in 2000 BC…when the aryans were taking their first bullock cart ride…! i mean…who in gods name…uses “sunishchit…!!!” nowadays. i am sure in some part of the plane…a lady wud hv gone….”there…thats the name of my 1st kid…!!!” and the funniest part was blowing the lifejacket. it looked like a lipstick ad…! guys who travel kingfisher…watch out for this…! funny…

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recently have bid adieu to a lot of close folks at ATK. all of which have left for fantastic opportunities. Shintu left for his MBA…and why wouldnt he be happy…his school tops the FORBES list this year for the best RoI…! friggin shit..! a school has to have balls to have the best RoI on USD 120K..!! all the best dude…will surely miss u….

and then rintu…(for those who dont know…rintu…shintu are not brothers…but could have easily been so..! nor are these their real names….shintu is basically shambunath…and rintu is known as rinkle khanna…ok…kiddin..!)…left as well…in some ways back to where he belonged. it hurt…cause not only is he a true gem..he was also quite close…!

then today was the last day of one of my fav people at ATK. AC surprisingly isnt a consultant…but an executive assistant. so limited to our interactions…i struck a great chord with her. you know…its days such as these that one realizes how imp the admin people are in an org…!

you enter office and you have VJ…the face of ATK…with a smile…! and then the security guards…with that goodmorning sir…and again..a smile…and then you pass RM…who ofcourse is perpetually married to her life patner. who comes in white color and measures 2 inches…and NO…i am not talking about that..!! so anyways…RM is always all so lost to see me…but then an occasional…katrina kaif smile comes by…and then comes AC. always cheerful…always smiling…! and always ready to offer a helping hand.

and this makes me feel…is this a phenomenon that beats the law of averages. how can everyone in the firm be likeable..and be just at the right wavelength for you. how can everyone be so approachable…and so dependable…! but so be it…who is out there to disprove this….

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came back this sunday from a fantastic trip to srinagar. loads of pics to share….will do so by the next post…

till then…keep the faith…

life’s good…

~a