ankur Warikoo

back when I used to fly to Dubai for work…Emirates Airlines was like second home. Its not funny the number the movies I have watched…and the amount of fun me and my team mates have had on those flights.

I was remembering one such instance this morning…and realized that I had blogged about it previously. Am reposting the same…makes for some fun read!

___________

so this is a real life incident. happened to me last Thursday on my flight back to India…

every Indian on this planet..and every traveler to India as well…can relate to one sight. queues. friggin queues. everywhere..! we Indians are so used to just placing ourselves comfortably in a line…and just live the rest of our lives trying to reach the ‘counter’.

so it was one of those queues again…that got me introduced to her. i was boarding the flight…with my boarding pass in hand…(and mind u…even if u have bloody boarded a plane more times than u have pissed in your life…the hostess will definitely ask u for your boarding pass and direct you to your seat…as if you are the biggest moron who couldn’t have figured by himself..! anyways…)

so there is this huge line leading to the miserly economy class…(reminds me of a seinfeld joke…he was talking abt the way the hostesses draw the curtain between the economy and business class…saying with their eyes…”if only you had worked harder”)…and its dragging along…till the time i reach right at the entrance. and its been some 2 minutes at the same….the line is jst not moving.

“oohh…discovery channel..thats my fav”..!

a rather stunning airhostess…(who btw i had conveniently avoided mentioning so far…)…standing at the right side…! her repsonse is to the discovery logo on my tee…which R had given sometime back (quite cool stuff these discovery guys make..!).

“aaaah…thts nice..! infact..‘we at discovery’ have a hidden vision. that everyone in this world feel exacly what you feel”

there was some artificial hehe-huhu…before the line finally moved on..!!

now..if u hvnt figured by now…i said “we at dicovery”..which in the english language means that i lied. about the fact that i work at discovery. now dont get me wrong here…i am quite proud to be a consultant…i think they r the best invention by mankind..after the safety pin ofcourse…! but something within me…made me lie..

so i seat myself…and put the “do not disturb…even if the friggin plane is going down and i dont have my for gods sake seat belt on” tag on my seat…and as i am about to close my eyes…she comes in again…

“hot towels please”

sleep’s gone..! am with discovery again…

“so what do you do for discovery”…she asks…while holding the towel for the passenger to me left (i was aisle)…and given who was sitting on that seat…i am sure he felt it was some sort of hypnotic towel..meant to soothen the body during the flight…cause he just didnt move his eyes off it.

“ummm…i work as a photographer for them” (WTFF…cold blooded lie..aspirational though..mind you!)

“wow…thats awesome…! here in dubai?”

“nope..in their delhi office. had come to dubai to cover the desert safari for a brochure we are working on..” (I could have very well said I was here to cover the Burj Al Arab…but no..stupid moron…if only my thought process was as fast when needed)

“thats quite interesting. please let me know if you need anything. i promise not to disturb you though…even if the friggin plane is going down and i dont have my for gods sake seat belt on”

yes yes yes…she reads my mind…i can so totally see it…!! wuuuhuuuuuuu

so…rest of the flight was quite good…slept a decent bit..and each time i woke up..i saw her fanning me with a magazine…smiling sweetly at me as if so totally admiring me..! ok…i am lying

…i didnt see her at all till the flight landed…

at the entrance…she was there…with her…”thnks…bye bye now”…and i went…wtf man…let it go…

“ummm…btw i was lying…! i dont work for discovery. my fiance does. she gave me this tee”

“hahaha..!! u serious…??? well…btw…discovery is not my fav channel either…”

WTF…!!!

“…u see…its our job…we have to do it…”

the morning brought in news of two (atleast for me) sudden demises. Anil Wilson, former principal at St. Stephen’s and Michael Jackson passed away…

Now..I am a hindu graduate and to even talk good about Ste-vens is like Shahrukh stating that Aamir is a better actor…which btw he is…as is hindu better than ste-vens! :) no..seriously…i havent been a big fan of ste-vens driven largely by the snob value they exhibit…but i do think that the college is very different from the rest of the DU crowd (and i would place LSR too in the same bracket…maybe SRCC too…but no one else). and a lot of the credit for this goes to Wilson

i recall the summer of 2008, when i had just passed out of school…with a phenomenal earth shattering score of 88%..which in today’s world will surely fetch me a seat in lovely professional university (havent heard of it…CMON..!!!)…i know of my relatives who will NOT get a seat in the top 5 DU colleges even with a 90%…crazy…!

so yah…with this 88% in my hand…i applied for physics at 3 colleges…stephens, hindu and venki..! stephens was first to come up with their list and…would you believe it…i hadnt made it…short of just 1 mark…just 1 friggin mark…! i mean…had i even answered that electrode question with a diagram and nothing else…i would have got that 1 mark…!! and oh..i had also applied for electronics (gen) at stephens

i eventually made it to hindu…but not before i gave an interview for electronics at stephens. yes…i had made it to the cut-off…and sat facing wilson and a physics prof who didnt seem to be of much importance.

wilson: what do you want to do later in your life?

me: astrophysics…i want to become an astronomer or astrophysicist (and btw…there is a difference!)

wilson: so where does electronics come in the picture

me: ummm..it doesnt…but stephens is a powerful brand name

wilson: you think a brand will take you to your destiny or the content of your academic program

me: both…honestly…

wilson: no my son…trust me…tomorrow if stephens is bombed…it doesnt exist anymore…but your education will…tomorrow if we start producing criminals…the name is destroyed…but your education isnt…

me: (what the hell is this dude talking about!…if he has already decided not to take me…then just say so!)

wilson: i would love to have you in Stephen’s…but would much rather have you do what is meaningful for you..even if that means going somewhere else.

10 years down…i see the importance of his words…today i am where several of my friends from the iits/iims/srcc/stephens etc would love to be…or atleast i am where they are too..! i recall that i used to compete a lot with a friend of mine from school…in terms of who is going to score higher in the term exams…! he eventually went to DCE while i couldnt clear any of my entrance exams…and 3 years back he got placed in accenture and i was in kearney! i dont mean to undermine accenture (well…maybe to a certain bit!) but the fact is…even a DU guy with just a bsc degree is up where the other super cool studs are…

that was the first and last time i interacted with wilson…but have been following him ever since…! it is indeed a tragic loss…

…and so is MJ’s demise!! i have friggin grown up on the dangerous album cassette, which at 48 bucks was my most expensive spend till that time…! i havent been crazy about him…like some other fans who have stripped naked/fainted/lost their voice/killed their wife to arrange for concert tickets (ok i made that one up)…! but hey…i liked him…and i think everyone who grew up in the 80’s did…!

ofcourse…recent developments hadnt left much of MJ goodwill all across..but he had already done what he had come out to do…

good job dude…wish that last tour of yours had happened…

life as a consultant always gears you up for an alternative career as a hotel and airline critic….! and yeah…ofcourse…rental car service critic too..! which reminds me…why do all the cabs…even the ones running in the evening, carry yesterday’s newspaper..! and why do i still read them..?

anyways…so yeah…hotel and airline critic. hotels are for later…but recently i realized that i have flown all the airlines in the indian skies…! so here…

Indian
I strongly protest the name firstly…! given how they perform…all that we will hear is…Indian food sucks…Indian is never on time…Indian women are old…and rude…and well…at times you need time to figure out that they are women…!

that said…who am i to complain of the name. but for hevens sake..if i buy a ticket…plz…plz…dont jst give me a craft to fly in..and a seat to sit on..! give me some respect as well…!

“Ummm…could I have today’s financial express?”
“we dont carry all the newspaper in this country”

“some water please?”
“can i first finish giving everyone their food…”

“please dont disturb me for the meals. i am full and would like to sleep”
“sir…sir…sir…(shaking me left and right…GET UP YOU BUGGER)…ma’am..he is not getting up…sir…sir…ah yes…sir…would you like veg or non-veg…?”

please…please…dont fly those…! please….


Jet
Has got to have the best frequent flier program..! fantastic upgrades….and beautiful service..! ofcourse…sexy flight timings…and great confort. so my personal first choice…

but then….they overdo it…

“sir…veg or non-veg”
“no i am fine…wont have anything”
“are you sure sir?”
“yes…pretty much…thank you…”
“can i get you some fruits”
“no please…thanks”
“sure sir..?”
“(mataji…maine kal chacha ke chole bhature khaye the….aur mujhe dast lag gayi hain. agar maine kuch khaaya…to yahaan nadiyaan beh jayenge…and u know of what…so plz…can i not have anything…) Yes…thanks again”


Air Deccan
i hereby declare the eighth wonder of the world. Air Deccan landing each time it takes off…! with the state of their crafts and the way the pilots run those machines…its sheer miracle at play. maybe we should call gopinath a saint..!

I remember…while at ISB…AD was my fav airline. one cause that was the only one i could afford from hyd to delhi for my home trips…and two cause i handt flown anything else except jet. and that was at a time when the del-mumbai return ticket used to cost in numbers as bappi lahiri has gold in kgs..! basically shit loads…! until AD arrived and changed everything…

but then it jst lost it mid-way. if you arrive at any airport…the only passenger counter with the max passengers…and the max chaos will be it.

and recently…i read this as an Advertisement for AD.

“We have 99% OTP (on time performance)”
the fine print….which was in a font size smaller than all roles of rakhi sawant in bollywood put together…said…OTP measures if a flight has arrived/departed within an hour of its scheduled arrival/departure time..!
holy friggin shit…! this means that 1% of all AD flights actually land an hr after scheduled time..!! and they fly some 350 flights a day….so 4 flights daily with this statistic…!! horrible…!

Spicejet
a late entrant in the no-frills space…but has done itself a lot of good..! decent airlines with great potential. have only flown it once…so cant really comment…

Indigo
This has got to take the cake. an absolute delight to fly this. one thing smart that they do is to allow buffer time on their stated arrival time. so even though its factually incorrect…psychologically it works wonder. so all the times that i have flown Indigo….they have always landed much before their scheduled time..!

plush aircrafts…extremely friendly staff…brilliant comfort. right from the bus that takes you to the craft from the terminal…to the leg space and the seats itself.

funny is how these no-frills airlines dont expect business travellers at all. i boarded an indigo…to go to ISB last week…and was in my business suit. firstly…people couldnt stop getting amazed and amused at my attire…so much so that i checked myself if i still had my pants on….

i board the craft…and out of habit give my jacket to the airhostess. she politely…and quite regretfully informs that they dont have a provision to keep jackets…! nor did they have any business newspaper on board…! but i can live with these….

Kingfisher
always…and i mean…always…ask for the aisle seat. and if you have flown kingfisher…you know why…! great service…horrible food…and no concept of cost cutting. i appreciate them handing that passenger kit..but frankly…why waste that bit. has any customer research been undertaken to see what all frm that kit is actually carried out by the passenger…? i see the pen used a lot…but thats abt it..!

i hv written abt the airlines previously as well…so will attach an excerpt…

and then…we hv to give to mr mallaya. i mean…u get balls of steel to get yana gupta to speak hindi…let alone show how to unbuckle a seatbelt. the words tht she used were last used in 2000 BC…when the aryans were taking their first bullock cart ride…! i mean…who in gods name…uses “sunishchit…!!!” nowadays. i am sure in some part of the plane…a lady wud hv gone….”there…thats the name of my 1st kid…!!!” and the funniest part was blowing the lifejacket. it looked like a lipstick ad…! guys who travel kingfisher…watch out for this…! funny…

_____________________________________________

recently have bid adieu to a lot of close folks at ATK. all of which have left for fantastic opportunities. Shintu left for his MBA…and why wouldnt he be happy…his school tops the FORBES list this year for the best RoI…! friggin shit..! a school has to have balls to have the best RoI on USD 120K..!! all the best dude…will surely miss u….

and then rintu…(for those who dont know…rintu…shintu are not brothers…but could have easily been so..! nor are these their real names….shintu is basically shambunath…and rintu is known as rinkle khanna…ok…kiddin..!)…left as well…in some ways back to where he belonged. it hurt…cause not only is he a true gem..he was also quite close…!

then today was the last day of one of my fav people at ATK. AC surprisingly isnt a consultant…but an executive assistant. so limited to our interactions…i struck a great chord with her. you know…its days such as these that one realizes how imp the admin people are in an org…!

you enter office and you have VJ…the face of ATK…with a smile…! and then the security guards…with that goodmorning sir…and again..a smile…and then you pass RM…who ofcourse is perpetually married to her life patner. who comes in white color and measures 2 inches…and NO…i am not talking about that..!! so anyways…RM is always all so lost to see me…but then an occasional…katrina kaif smile comes by…and then comes AC. always cheerful…always smiling…! and always ready to offer a helping hand.

and this makes me feel…is this a phenomenon that beats the law of averages. how can everyone in the firm be likeable..and be just at the right wavelength for you. how can everyone be so approachable…and so dependable…! but so be it…who is out there to disprove this….

_____________________________________________

came back this sunday from a fantastic trip to srinagar. loads of pics to share….will do so by the next post…

till then…keep the faith…

life’s good…

~a

since the day i was born…i have been observing people. i noticed the mole on the doctor who gave birth to me and the fact that her stethoscope’s left earpiece was bigger than the right one..! but then thats not observing people…so nevermind…

i find it as a good pastime…! even mre so when i see some dudes doing stuff that i just dont get…

for instance…picture this…

4 elevators in my office building..! 9am…5 people waiting on the lowest floor to go up…! a gentleman arrives from behind…makes his way through the 5-body crowd…and presses the up button…AGAIN…and AGAIN…!!

wtf was he thinking..! that the 5 of us are long lost buddies who are staring at the elevator walls trying to remember the day we played football in the rain…? or we are just zombies who have been working so hard that we stand infront of elevators wishing and praying that it comes down…u never know…u seee..!!

bugger…!!

and picture this….

mumbai airport…the new delhi flight is ready…all lining up to the bus that shall carry them to the machine of tight haristyled women and emotionally poisoned food…! and there you see Aamir Khan…! note that he is not trying to hide him….so if one has been born in the last year…there is no way that you cant recognize him…

a gentleman…mid 40s…comes up to him…and goes…

“are you aamir khan?”

no sherlock…i am bappi lahiri and i have been gyming for the past 6 months. but the friggin gym was so expensive…(bipasha basu also comes there u see)…that i had to sell off all my gold and thus u see me now in a body tight tee…and jeans…and no gold..

this is worse than the pre-historic habit that has engulfed motherkind…of asking…“tum aa gaye” when she saw er son come back from work…

people…i tell u….

____________________________________

work has been crazy lately….but awesome fun. helping shape the future of media and entertainment in india…and its somehow orgasmic to sit back and think that the room you just stepped out of…after your discussion with the CEO…was witness to something that will change the entire landscape forever…

and u urself will get to witness it…

bliss…

____________________________________

lately i have been itching myself with a lot of b-plans. dont know when and how to take the plunge…cause at some level you know that inaction right now can be suicidal…someone else will surely pick up your idea…and there….gone….

any people who wanna fund me…?

~a

8.30am
Friday
Mumbai Airport

tringgg tringgg…

hello

haanji sir…u hv reached

yes yes…where r u…?

at the exit itself…should i go and fetch the car…?

yah yah..plz do…where should i wait…

i will come where the laal peeli start

(figuring out where that is)…alright…i will wait…

After 10 mins

where are you boss…?

sir…right there…can you see the 2 media vans…right behind that…

boss…there are no media vans that i can see…where are you…?

sir…just where the passengers get out…am on the road…directly opposite…

i dont see you dude…ok…am standing right infront of the premium parking

ok..i have gone ahead of that…will come back after taking a round…

another 10 mins…

boss…its been 20 mins…where the f r u…?

sir…right there…premium parking…

yaar…either i am blind…or you dont know the airport well…are you at the jet arrival terminal

sir..i have been coming to the airport for the past 15 yrs…

you are at the domestic airport…rite…?

haan sir…are you at the right airport…

boss…mumbai mein ek hi airport hain…

MUMBAI…???? sir…i am in delhi…!!!!

WTF…!!!!

so…this friday morning…i spent 30 mins of my life trying to convince someone in delhi…that he is in mumbai…!

____________________________

but i give it to mumbai..! cant repeat it enough..but this was my first rendezvous with prime traffic in mumbai. it took me a mind numbing 2.25 hrs to reach the airport frm nariman point. a whole 2 hrs…! in the cab..! hands numb…mind zonked…life paralyzed..! i shudder to think the potential loss in national income that happens in the city cause of simply being on the road driving…when you could easily be working and far more productive than listening to radio mirchi and “pal pal pal frm munnabhai” for the godforsaken 586976th time..!

____________________________

VP and I finally launched our site. We have been working on the plan for the past 2 odd months…! its completely VP’s baby and I am simply an external advisor devoting time towards the strategy of the product over and above my fulltime ATK committments. Its been a fantastic ride so far…and atleast for me last thursday, when the product was launched, was a special moment.

for VP though…having handled the complexity of www.desimartini.com already, this was jst another site..!

our business plan…a matrimonial site specifically targetted at remarriage.

www.secondshaadi.com

____________________________

my routine browsing this afternoon took me to this show called ‘Britain’s got talent’…and a certain Paul Potts. at the end of his performance…i was sobbing like a 5 yr old…jst couldnt contain myself. i hv figured that singing has a spiritual connectiong with me. ever since i went to the US…music has become my meditation. unfortunately…my voice can allow me to appreciate it vocally…but i remember when i spent simple hrs…jst listening to music with tears in my eyes…!

this was yet another instance…and totally deserved…(in my limited capacity)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDB9zwlXrB8


Life’s really good right now…

~a

the good part about not bloggin for a while…is that you get a feel of your fan following…!

…1 girl reminded me that i used to blog…
…my viewership has dropped 50%…
…i received 37 (yes…thats friggin THIRTY SEVEN…) anonymous comments…in a single day…and some 150 in the past month…”great site you have here…btw check some lesbians babes…and hey…while you are at it…hv u heard of viagra and turkey as a tourist destination…??”

i am actively considering selling my blog to google…!

____________

so my client was narrating his india trip the other day. went to mumbai for some business meetings and the first day was pretty tight with multiple appointments. the flight arrives at 8.30am and its only an hr to the first meeting. so DB tells the driver…”boss…drive as fast as you can…its crucial for him to reach in the next 45 mins…”

now you know how indian drivers are….either they drive at 40 and not an inch more….or if told otherwise…they forget that cars are made of materials that can crush humans….! see…here is my point….dhanno from sholay was the only friggin horse in that scene. so wouldnt have bumped into another…and crashed….and lost a leg…and her tail for life..! but mumbai….DUDE…! you drive at 60 only if you are on top of another driving at that speed..!

anyways…so this driver pays ample attention to the instructions…and makes his way through the traffic…! lo behold…he does manage to reach in time…

client is happy…impressed..! he calls DB and goes…”this guy was fantastic….! he took me through all these shortcuts and small roads…and heck..there was traffic…but hey…he managed perfectly..”

DB is clueless…”shortcuts…?? small roads..??” he talks to the driver…khuspus khuspus…and then comes back to client….

“ummm…well…those are the mumbai main roads…!!”

i rest my case…! arguments plz..???

________________

Dubai is inshallah coming to an end….! been a terrific time…! jst finished with a great piece of work…and its amazing how much one learns about an industry one was clueless about…jst 8 weeks back..!

________________

clicked this on the Delhi Metro sometime back. Really neat way of reminding the consumer who you are…
http://flickr.com/photos/warikoo/419890417/

another click…though unrelated…
http://flickr.com/photos/warikoo/419890368/

________________

life’s good…in all dimensions..!

~a

this post is not for the faint hearted…or people who have never been to a public loo…!!
______________________________________________________________________________

ever been to a debate…?? the good ones…always define the motion infront of the house. even if the motion is “bappi lahiri is the sexiest person alive…”…they will spend painful minutes describing what their definition of ’sexiest’, ‘person’ and ‘alive’ is…!! which is actually an impressive way of wasting time and still coming out intelligent.

so…here is my definition.

any loo that as been used (by an absolute majority) by people i have never met in my life…is a public loo…!!

i dont know if its just me…but i somehow cannot shit in a public loo when i know that people whom i know are around. best example would be office. i can never…ever get myself to sit on the pot and ease myself…

the only thought that crosses my mind is…
Shit (diffrent from the real shit!) man…i will shit…it will stink…next person comes in…and HE WILL KNOW THAT I SHAT THERE…!!

and…what the f is with these new loos whose dividers do NOT go all the way down. i mean…what in friggin world are they thinking…that the only way we will get to knw that its occupied is when we see the shoes, pulled down trousers and hairy legs of the guy on the pot…??? would a simple try at the door be enough…!! or was it that the inventor had a case wherein the person knocking refused to believe that there was someone inside until he saw one…!!!
friggin morons…!!

anyways…so i am at this restaurent…the other day…!! and i clearly remember that i eased myself in the morning. and i didnt eat anything that could have led to another visit…!!

but i had the feeling…and you know how it is…

mauth aur moot…jab aati hain…tab aati hain…!
(ofcourse…we r talking abt shit here…but u get the point!)

so…after much decision making….i was like….chuck it man….ab to karna padega…!!!

and i enter this 1×1 feet room.

which not only has a pot and a wash basin…it friggin has a urinal as well…!!
NOW WHO WOULD BE SHITTING IN A PIGEONHOLE…WHEN SOMEONE IS LEAKING BESIDE YOU…?????
but no…gay marriage as legal and so are such toilets…!!

aaah…and not to mention…it had a hand dryer as well. which makes up for the first part of the story…

the loo is so so ‘huge’ that the minute i sit down on the pot…the hand dryer gets activated. i move my arm..and it goes wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…i move my head…and the same…!! it was so bloody small that i am sure my breathing process would be causing vibrations strong enough for it to get activated as well….!!!

well..so life is not always fun. after some 5 minutes…its done. and i ready to wipe all possible clues that i ever shat…!!

now…i know i have stayed in the US for a long time…! but heck….i will never ever wipe my ass with paper for god sake…! its just not happening…

so luckily for me…there is a nozzle. and its strategically pointing towards…u know what…

i find the knob…and turn it arnd.
no water
turn more
nothing
little more
nope…
turn it all the way….
PHOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

so…now if you can imagine…everything bad that could possibly have happened..had happened. my undies were all wet…and so was my jeans…!! and there was water dripping from my ass the way it never had…!!

but…the worst was yet to come…

i get up…count till 10…actvate the dryer a million times in the process…and get myself together….

flush…

no no…wrong gues…the flush worked..!!!

the friggin shit wont move…!!!

why gawd…why….why me…and my shit…out of all…!!!

flushed again…
nope…
yet again…
nope….

now this is where sound decision making will make the difference between a winner and looser. or a “all loos are the same” and “public loos…no no no no nooo…”

i wont go into the details of how i emerge victorious…(oh yes..i did)…! but to give you a hint…once i came out…i told the manager…”you may want to change the cleaning brush…”

friggin public loos…!!!
never again…


and hey…remember the time when the air hostess says
“in the unlikely event of an emergency landing, please adopt the brace position”

here is an addition they might want to consider
“in the highly likely event that your neighbour decides to take his shoes off when his socks havent been washed for a week…please ask for our highly successful wet tissues…wipe your hand crazy with them…and adopt the manoj kumar position”


but friggin public loos..
never again…

~a

no no no no no….busy….heck no….

ummm…yeah…vacationing…and hence lazy….more like it…!! not that life stopped…so hv a lot to share…so much that i hv forgotten most of it…

Solstice

Cudnt have asked for more….it was jst perfect. everything abt it…! meeting everyone again..walking down those roads again…as if you had never left…spending time doing just about nothing…! it was bliss all over. i guess the only thing that i like about work is the fact that i can now afford to fly kingfisher frm hyd to delh…instead of air deccan. its another case that i flew indigo…! but u get the point..!! student life…no matter what said and done…and no matter how many friggin assignments…is still far better…! and i hv been saying this right from my MSU days…!

the following month seems to be ISB travel month. Will (hope to atleast) visit it atleast 3 times before the final placements. A is getting married this 28th…so plannin to attend that too…!! wuuuhuuuu

New Years

Now…dont get me wrong here. Its not always that a consultant will get 10 days off…in the middle of an engagement. but things worked out. for the better. yes…i was working…frm home…so things werent as tight as they are once in Dubai. so had an awesomely chilled time. wonderful…! and yeah…the NY party was great…and i hvnt seen as much fog as i did tht night..!! it was crazy…..my left hand kept shouting….where the f is my right hand man…!!!

Misc.

Yesterday I met the weirdest guy in the history of mankind. in some loose sense i would also call him the man with balls of the hardest steel

so its airplane waiting time at the airport lounge. and the test is placed sexy. with another 70 runs to win and 4 wickets in hand…it could have gone any way. and kumble was bowling like god…so everyone was hooked on. there is this sweet 32 inch LCD screen…with all the sofas in front. however…there is one which is right below the LCD…facing all other sofas.

now i do understand that some people dont like cricket. or lets say dont enjoy it as much. and thats fine…seriously. i think they should just change their nationality if they are indians…or continue to live with a foreign passport…and they will do just fine.

but no…this gentleman…indian…in his 50s maybe…decides to show the world his mind. so when some 50 odd souls are watching the screen…following the match…he enters the lounge…and sit on the sofa right below the screen. so now…he is facing the entire crowd…!!!

dont miss this historic moment in history people…! there is a screen with decent volume…and almost everyone is wathcing that. and there is this dude…who is facing everyone…and looking right into their eyes…

and then he does it…the act that will catapult him to the hall of fame. he shakes his head….left to right…and goes….tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk….for almost 20 odd seconds.

HE WAS FRIGGIN PITYING US…

one half of my brain was giving his a standing ovation…the other was imagining the plight of his kids at the loss of their father…!!

crazy….

and surely balls of steel….

but what was he thinkin…???

~a

so this is a real life incident. happened to me last thrusday on my flight back to india…

every indian on this planet..and every traveler to India as well…can relate to one sight. queues. friggin queues. everywhere..! we indians r so used to jst placing ourselves confortably in a line…and jst live the rest of our lives trying to reach the ‘counter’.

so it was one of those queues again…that got me introduced to her. i was boarding the flight…with my boarding pass in hand…(and mind u…even if u hv bloody boarded a plane more times than u have pissed in yur life…the hostess will definitely ask u for your boarding pass and direct you to your seat…as if you are the biggest moron who couldnt have figured by himself..! anyways…)

so there is this huge line leading to the miserly economy class…(reminds me of a seinfeld joke…he was talking abt the way the hostesses draw the curtain between the economy and business class…saying with their eyes…”if only you had worked harder”)…and its dragging along…till the time i reach right at the entrance. and its been some 2 minutes at the same….the line is jst not moving.

“oohh…discovery channel..thats my fav”..!

a rather stunning airhostess…(who btw i had conveniently avoided mentioning so far…)…standing at the right side…! her repsonse is to the discovery logo on my tee…which R had given sometime back (quite cool stuff these discovery guys make..!).

“aaaah…thts nice..! infact..we ‘at discovery’ have a hidden vision. that everyone in this worls feel exacly what you feel”

there were artificial hehe-huhuh laughter…before the line finally moved on..!!

now..if u hvnt figured by now…i said “we at dicovery”..which in the english language means that i lied. about the fact that i work at discovery. now dont get me wrong here…i am quite proud to be a consultant…i think they r the best invention by mankind..after the safety pin ofcourse…! but something within me…made me lie..

and wait..there is more…

so i seat myself…and put the “do not disturb…even if the friggin plane is going down and i dont have my for gods sake seat belt on” tag on my seat…and as i am about to close my eyes…she comes in again…

“hot towels please”

sleep’s gone..! am with discovery again…

“so what do you do for discovery”…she asks…while holding the towel for the passenger to me left (i was aisle)…and given who was sitting on tht seat…i am sure he felt it was some sort of hypnotic towel..meant to soothen the body during the flight…cause he jst didnt move his eyes off it.

“ummm…i work as a photographer for them”

aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…cold blooded lie…how cud u…!!

“wow…thats awesome…! here in dubai”

“nope..in their delhi office. had come to dubai to cover the desert safari for a brochure we are working on..”

if only my thought process was as fast when needed

“thats quite interesting. please let me know if you need anything. i promise not to disturb you though…even if the friggin plane is going down and i dont have my for gods sake seat belt on

yes yes yes…she reads my mind…i can so totally see it…!! wuuuhuuuuuuu

so…rest of the flight was quite good…slept a decent bit..and each time i woke up..i saw her fanning me with a magazine…smiling sweetly at me as if so totally admiring me..! ok…i am lying here…cmon…u cudnt hv believed me now..!!

but yeah…i didnt see her at all till the flight landed…

at the entrance…she was there…with her…”thnks…bye bye now”…and i went…wtf man…let it go…

“ummm…btw i was lying…! i dont work for discovery. my fiance does. she gave me this tee”

“hahaha..!! u serious…??? well…btw…discovery is not my fav channel either…”

WTF…!!!

“…u see…its our job…we have to do it…”

:)

~a

so…kerela was fun. i wasnt raped…and no guy touched me as well. no wait…i take tht back…i mean…i went for a massage on thr last day…

the entire team had left on sunday and we dubai sheikhs were left to ourselves…given the timing of our flight. so i pretty much slept through the day…didnt hv lunch…watched the finals…fought a fire back in office…and then decided to go for a massage…

the weirdest hour of my life…

ok…so i was ready to be almost naked…infront of a guy whom i hadnt met…ever..! big shit..i thought to myself. if gandhi could almost do it…infront of the entire world…heck..am just an overweight normal guy..! and then…the fact that the massage place would provide disposable underwear…did provide for some relief.

so i enter this room…and this dude…i will call him X…opens the almirah..and reaches out for a small cigar like thing. i guess its the underwear…and as he takes the wrapper off and asks me to wear it..while he waits outside…several thoughts cross my mind…till it hits me…

WAIT A MINUTEEEEE…!!! AT WHAT POINT OF TIME WERE YOU PLANNING TO TELL ME THAT DISPOSABLE UNDERWEAR MEANS TRANSPARENT UNDERWEAR…!!!????

it was at this precise moment…when i am in my original undies…holding the ‘disposable’ undies…tht i realize where it all came from…the phrase…”point of no return”

ok..so calm down…all’s good…believe in your sexuality…hold on…dont sweat…hold on…calm down…just close your eyes and imagine its some machine operating on you…!

the music is chosen…and the oil is heated. they start with the head and its quite a fascinating feeling when the 1st drop touches your scalp. i am a sucker for head massages…once gave a tip of 50 (on a rate list of 30) to a guy whom i cud hv married if he was a girl…simply cause of the head massage he gave me..!

the next 15 odd mins are soothing. the massage is flowing smoothly…the occasional ‘touching’ is conveniently ignored…and before i realize i am fast asleep.

“sir sir sir…r u ok sir…r u ok sir”…shaking me rigourously. i wake up with a jerk…open my eyes…and find X’s face in friggin nanometer smooching distance.

holy shit..!!

i mean dude….am i the first person to hv fallen asleep during a RELAXATION massage…???? cmon for god sake…

for any current or to-be masseur…here is a healthy tip…

imagine a sage…seeking nirvana. and some dude has told him…tapasya for 22 yrs…and u shall hv it. so he begins…and the present time is 21 yrs…11 months…23 hrs…and 45 mins. i mean…friggin 15 min away frm nirvana. now what X did was equivalent to shaking the sage out of his meditation and asking him the directions to the river where the local beautiies bathe..!!

DONT EVER DO IT..!! someone’s gonna get hurt real bad…!

it was never the same after tht. the massage ended and i didnt quite enjoy it the way i expected myself to…but heck..atleast i got one in kerela..!!

life’s ‘gay’..!!

~a

PS: as a sidenote…AD kicked ass today at the DB interview. and i expected him to. it was an awesome feeling when he told me abt it…though i cudnt resist going back in time…exactly a yr back. to this day…i dont know what to make out of that day…but i do remember telling PG this…a week after my interviews…”zindagi mein kuch bhi…kabhi itni aasaani se nahi mila”….! and yeah…sach mein nahi mila!

proud of u AD…jst hang in there now…! its ur day today…!

At times studying is fun…

I spend the entire evening…(if 4am can be called evening…!) working on the ADCF take home test. It was such an awesome experience. The test was individual…and i was scared if i would be able to pull it off. but then i did manage quite well…i guess. its like…you reach a place wherein you think you are right…and then you start thinking. from then on its just a matter of reaffirming…or strongly going against that…!

It worked well for me.

Another interesting thing that happened last evening was my ‘boy-gang’ playing a prank on me. well…technically…the prank was played through me…on other people.

I had gone to the 4th floor of the library to fetch my laptop cable. I come back after some 5 odd minutes…and that very instant I knew that these guys were upto something. I mean…their face said it all. I tried and tried to get it out of them…but to no avail…

And I then I get a mail…and holy sweet mother of jesus…these bastardos had actually sent mails from my account…to random people…

Hi,

I was sitting and thinking about the last six months…. And I have realised that I have become close to u…..more than I have been with any1 else in my life… i hope u understand my problems and compulsions. All I can say is if I did not have commitments in my life…things would have been different between us.

Keep this to yourself.

Love
~ a

And oh my god…some people fell for it. it was nasty…and (I admit) hilarious. Naturally some people were smart enough to realize that it couldn’t have possibly been me…!

To top it all…they didn’t tell me to who all they had sent the mail. And the smart MBAs that they are…they had deleted the mail from both the ‘sent mail’ folder and the deleted items folder…! So from then on…it was more of a wait…for 2 types of mails…

• “yah right…we believe you…”
• “wtf…r u serious…? I love u too…!!” (

But it was great fun. A ‘nice’ intervention…to the routine schedule…

Looking forward to the exams…have been studying all day…and the company is great…so a lot of work is getting done…

All the best everyone for the exams…rock ‘em…!

~a